Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to announce that this guy (me) officially owns a pair of glasses. I picked them up last Friday, and the world changed. This is my review.

Everyone knows what glasses do, so I won’t waste your time rehashing common knowledge. It’s the hidden truths of this not-so-secret society of four eyes that I find interesting.

Immediately upon donning the magical artifact of seeing, my intelligence increased. It’s now abundantly clear that the previous Dustin—which I do not associate with—was an idiot. But that’s for another post.

Did someone just call me sir? Why yes, yes they did. Previous Dustin might have assumed this was for appearing older, but I know it’s because I’m more distinguished.

Are those girls looking at me? Why yes, yes they are. But I now know they were always checking out this hot stuff, and I just couldn’t see them.

When it’s windy, guess who has windshields for their eyes. This guy.

Perhaps the most surprising benefit, however, is how effective glasses work as a disguise. This should be obvious. It worked for Clark Kent. On my daily walk, my neighbors whisper, “Who is that man?”

This would be more impressive had I ever introduced myself…

In any case, whether or not you need glasses, you NEED glasses. Just buy the frames and improve your life.

Five stars. Will buy again.