Today is a wonderful day! It’s the day I receive five lovely pounds of delicious candy. New Year’s resolutions aside… my body thanks me.

You see, as a Boy Scout, I learned the value of being prepared. It’s literally the Scout’s Motto. And it just so happens that, in three days, a pandemic of lovesick chocolate monsters will take over.

Thankfully, I’ve dodged the disease. I was responsible and got my vaccine and three decades of boosters.

I am immune to the cooties!

So while everyone else will succumb to their primal desires and eat their weight in chocolate with their “special” someone, I’ll have my five pounds of black licorice, which just so happens to be the color of my heart.

It’s a good color.

Look, people, I can’t be falling in love. I have ambitions! So, be responsible and get vaccinated today. It’s up to us to stop this madness. Don’t hesitate, vaccinate.